my own drum

This morning I was enjoying my daily half-hour of television news. There it was on my screen, the ultimate bathroom fixture, the Pimped Out John. ( I finally got off my lazy butt and found a picture for you. You can bet if I had been sitting on this thing, you would still be waiting to see it! )

Roto-Rooter is giving away this beautiful home-entertainment toilet to some lucky pooper in honor of Thomas Crapper Day. This isn't your grandpas outhouse, it has everything. This one is for you, the modern man or woman on the move. Check out this list of luxury features for this very luxurious commode.

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Philips™ 20-inch LCD TV and Star Wars DVD

Xbox™ 360 gaming system

Philips™ DVD player

Gateway® EMachine™ laptop computer with fully articulated robot arm

iPod™ with stereo docking station equipped with toilet paper dispenser

Roto-Rooter "emergency" button

Tivo™ recorder

Avanti™ refrigerator with beer tap, stocked with drinks and snacks

Magazine rack and subscriptions to Sports Illustrated, ESPN and GQ

Bike pedal exerciser

Cup warmer / cooler

Kohler super-strength 1.4 gallon flush.

Roto-Rooter is sponsoring a contest in honor of Thomas Crapper Day, and you can enter your name to win this preposterous pooper on their web site. If you win, Roto-Rooter technicians will install the Pimped out John in your home! You may need to widen your bathroom a bit, and they don't cover that. And you have to provide your own electricity. It's a safe bet that any electrician will trade his service for some potty time. You might want to consider running a separate meter as well as emergency backup power. Visit www.rotorooter.com to register to win the "Pimped out John" from January 24, 2007, through April 2, 2007. The lucky winner will be crowned on National Plumber's Day, April 25, 2007.

About Thomas Crapper Day

Thomas Crapper was a well-known inventor and plumber and a pioneer in the advancement of in-door plumbing. He was most known for inventing the "Disconnecting Trap," which became essential to in-door plumbing. This was a great leap forward in the campaign against disease. Crapper held nine patents, four for improvements to drains, three for water closets, one for manhole covers and the last for pipe joints. Every patent application for plumbing-related products filed by Crapper made it through the process, and actual patents were granted. Crapper did not invent the toilet but his employee, Albert Giblin, invented the "Silent Valveless Water Waste Preventer" (No. 814), a symphonic discharge system that allowed a toilet to flush effectively when the cistern was only half full. The device was patented in 1898. Crapper bought the patent rights and was the first to market the modern toilet. Crapper died on January 27, 1910.

There you have it. Before you get too excited about the prospect of winning, just consider a few things. Your friends will either abandon you, or form a permanent line outside of your bathroom. Either way, they won't be your friends anymore. And your spouse is almost certain to leave you. Who in their right mind is going to stand still after getting jilted for a commode. Even mans best friend may no longer have any use for you. But go ahead and enter. And I hope you win. If you do, can I borrow your bathroom next Sunday?

pimped out john